I am many things. First and foremost, I am the daughter of the most high King of Heaven, as the “Good Book” says, “the Alpha and Omega…the Beginning and the End” (Rev 22:13).
I am also a wife, mother, friend and confidante. I can be many things to many people. What about when I am alone with my own thoughts and feelings? Who am I then?
For years, I didn’t allow myself much time for my own thoughts, feelings or being, for that matter. I solely existed to fulfill the needs of others. As I got older, I became chronically ill. Over time, I could barely take care of myself, let alone anyone else. I was heading for institutional care. I hid behind a mask of chronic illness until I faded away almost completely. Only my family could see me. Sometimes.
Then, it happened! I died. For a few moments I was gone. I wasn’t breathing, the person who was “me” was a clear and coherent being and that person was beginning to leave this shell of a body.
My daughter found me laying on the living room couch, cyonotic and unresponsive. With a stiffened body that I could not control, I tried to move my mouth and talk to my daughter but could not, I tried to blink, but could only stare. Inside, I was begging for CPR but my.poor girl was terrified.
Eventually, she called 911. About the same time, I worked very hard to start breathing on my own…every moment seemed like hours. Then, slowly but surely, I was able to breathe, very shallow at first, but then in full respirations. I believe God granted me the ability to breathe so I could have a second chance at life. It was determined that I had a very bad seizure which nearly took my life. However, I had to die before I could truly begin to live.
You see, it was in dying that my life became clear. I had missed so much enjoyment in life focusing solely on the needs and wants of others. I had buried any dreams or desires of my own so far down inside me, I didn’t think I would ever find them again. But, over a period of months and through intensive rehab, God began to awaken those dreams and desires and hone those gifts and talents that he had instilled in me so many years ago.
Now, I know who and whose I am!
I am predominantly, and always will be, the daughter of the most high King of Heaven. I am also a writer, albeit an inchoate one, I am a writer all the same. I’m also an artist. I find myself picking up pencil and other artist media that I haven’t touched since my youth. Additionally, I’m researching my family history, also a hobby from years ago. Oh, what I’ve been missing for so many years!
There is nothing wrong with helping others. On the contrary, God’s Word commands us to do so. However, completely ignoring or overlooking your God given gifts for the sake of others means that you are missing out on a big part of that abundant life that God has promised us here and now! In addition, you may be missing your life’s purpose under the guise of being selfless.
For me, personally, I think I was really afraid of failure. It is only when I realized that I had nothing to lose, in these golden years of life, that I dare to step out and aim high to reach my goals. I thank my God in Heaven for giving me so many gifts to use for his glory while I’m living on this side of eternity. I encourage all, young and old, to do the very same.
Till we meet again!